Dirty Magazines
by haikomori
Summary: Some people need to learn not eat the last darn muffin, at least when Hope lays claim to it. It causes evil, menacing smiles and strange forms of revenge. And Lightning to want to kill everyone. You know, because that's great for your health.


**I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote this, but I enjoyed it. I hope you all feel the same! Enjoy! Oh, and usual disclaimers I suppose. But I would think that's obvious.**

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"I can't believe this." Serah groaned, pinching the bridge of her nose and blowing out a loud sigh as Snow cowered beneath Serah and Lightning's hard gaze. Lightning and Serah loomed over Snow as he sat on the couch in the living room, small bits of confetti everywhere. Several balloons clung to the ceiling, and the smell of cake and frosting made its way from the kitchen nearby. There were several bright banners on the walls, as well as a few games stacked haphazardly on the table near the couch. But it was the bright blue magazine that sat hidden in the shadows of the games that caused them concern.

Snow shifted on the baby blue couch, eyes swiveling between the Farron sisters as he tried to calm his racing heart. He glanced at the window every now and again, legs twitching as if he would make a break for it. Serah stepped in front of him, blocking off any means of escape. "And you have _no_ idea where they went?" Serah asked, narrowing her eyes.

Snow gave her a pleading look before shaking his head, "N-No." He said, biting his lip. His thoughts drifted to the magazine, his lips started to twitch up, and there was a tickling in his stomach. He bit harder on his lip when he heard Lightning growl, looking anywhere but his sister-in-law as he fought his smile.

"Sazh and Dajh are coming here in a few hours…" Lightning said slowly, taking a step toward Snow, "With plenty of other little kids in tow, because_ we_ offered them our house for Dajh's birthday party. And you…" Her voice became dangerously low, eyes narrowed into slits, "You're telling us you have no idea where you put your-"

"Porn!" Serah shouted, throwing her hands into the air, her face turning several shades of red at once. Whether it was from anger or embarrassment, neither Lightning nor Snow could tell. "I-I mean _really?_ And not only that, you actually manage to lose those magazines! Those filthy, _dirty _magazines. And now they're floating around somewhere in this house, in the open, where those poor impressionable children can, and _will,_ find them, and be scarred for life!"

"W-Wait Serah, it's really not so bad! We still have a few hours and it's not like they just flew off!"

Lightning had to fight back a smirk as Serah rounded on him, her hair flying in all directions in her fury, "Snow Villiers, you left magazines filled with pictures of _nude_ women in my house with several young children coming in less than two hours! You know what will happen when they find them? They'll start crying and screaming and they'll ask their parents weird and awkward questions! And when word gets around this nice, newly furnished neighborhood, filled with nice, new_ impressionable_ neighbors, they're going to point to our house and say, "You won't believe who lives there! A bunch of porn addicts with a strange and sick desire to expose young children to pictures of nude women!" Yes, that's what they'll say!" Serah finally took a deep breath, and opened her mouth to say more, but Snow moved to the defensive.

"But those magazines helped! You said so yourself. I mean, they had a great step by step guide to some of the best positions you and I have ever tried and I-"

Lightning closed her eyes and blindly made her way out of the room, nearly at a run, her hands itching to cover her ears. She would never, _ever _be able to forget that. _Ugh…the images! Make them stop! _She shook her head as the terrible, horrifying images continued on in defiance, and a savage urge to beat Snow into the ground overtook her.

Lightning wandered down the hall, past the small doorway that opened into the kitchen, and leaned against the door to her own room. Hope's room sat across from hers, whereas Snow and Serah shared the small upstairs room. Hope's door was cracked open and Lightning gave a light knock, feeling the urge to escape the argument ever more pressing. Especially as Snow and Serah's voices started to carry down the hall.

"Come in!" Lightning pushed the door open and found Hope resting on his bed, ankles crossed and reading a book. His now taller frame just barely fit the bed, and Lightning smirked at the odd sight. They would have to get him a bigger bed soon. Several boxes rested around his bed, but he was already sitting up and smiling at her, drawing her eyes to him. "No luck huh?" Hope asked tilting his head to the side.

Lightning shook her head, "No. And I had to get out of there before Snow started to go into detail about those 'positions' he was talking about." Hope snorted but quickly covered his mouth when Lightning sent him a withering glare. But his grin didn't stay gone for long.

"Bet that means they roleplay too!" Hope sniggered, pushing a box away with his feet as he swung his legs over the bed.

"Hope!" Lightning brought a hand to her forehead and groaned, wanting to stomp her foot as images assaulted her mind yet again. Horrible terrifying images. She would have to kill Snow the next time she saw him. She _had_ to.

"Sorry Light, I couldn't help it." Hope laughed, clutching his stomach, a few tears pricking his eyes as he laughed at the disgusted face she made. Lightning glared at him again, but soon her eyes wandered to the boxes. Several bright colors met her vision and she didn't fail to notice Hope tense. She looked at him, his eyes skittish but smile still in place, and then she looked toward his book. Just at the corners she saw something bright, the page smoother and brighter than the dull, off white pages of his book. There was even a bit of a reflection…

Lightning could already feel the twitch in her eye.

"Hope…why do you have the very magazines we've been looking for the past two hours?" Lightning said, clenching her fist as Hope covered his mouth, stifling a chuckle. "I hope you know that I have to _kill _you."

Hope's eyes bugged out and he frantically shook his head, scooting back on his bed and hitting the frame softly. "W-We don't have to go there, do we Lightning?" Hope asked, voice shaking. Lightning loomed over him, her glare shaking Hope to his very core. She grabbed him by his head and shook it from side to side, Hope trying to squirm away from her grip.

"What were you thinking!" She demanded, pausing so he could speak. Hope blinked, the room still spinning, before he met her eyes again.

Hope's hands snaked around her wrist and he yanked himself free, a haughty, even evil, smirk on his face. "I was thinking revenge." Hope said, smile growing all the more menacing.

"Revenge?" Lightning said flatly, raising an eyebrow.

"You bet." Hope said, smile briefly returning to normal as he wiggled off of his bed. He started to pace his room, smile twitching slightly as she caught a glance of him, "All revenge. All in the name of getting back at Snow! _First _he threw away my _own_ magazines, the special editions no less! Those are expensive, maybe even priceless! And why? He said Serah didn't like them. What a bold lie! Needless to say, I found them in these boxes…trying to hoard them for himself the bastard." Hope said, kicking one of them, "_Second_, he lost my picture of-" He looked at Lightning, face reddening, and he fumbled on, "-of that day at the beach! And then? Then, after I spent hours making those banana nut muffins that you all enjoy _so much, _he goes and eats the _last one!_ Even after I laid claim to it, the only one from the bunch I wanted. Even after I licked it he took it from me!" Lightning grimaced but Hope took no notice, continuing on his frenzied tirade.

"All he said was that he didn't mind a little spit and devoured _my _muffin. And in less than three bites! He can't even appreciate it! The bastard! The muffin eater! The magazine taker! The once in a lifetime photo loser! But then-then I _found_ his magazines. Snow had been a fool and just left them out, _knowing_ Serah had asked me to help clean up for the party!"

Hope stopped pacing and turned to Lightning, eyes twitching and smile dangerously wide, "And he handed me the perfect opportunity! Just think of what chaos one correctly planted magazine could cause! It would only be natural to assume the others were scattered around the house and Serah would be more than determined to find them, punishing Snow along the way. But no-no! They're in my room!" Hope chuckled, teeth bared, and he stepped toward Lightning.

"What are you-"

"Lightning, I need you to promise not to tell anyone yet." Hope paused when there was a loud bang, followed by several loud apologies from Snow. Hope's grin widened, "Let me enjoy this…"

Lightning raised an eyebrow, "Hope, you know I can't. We have-"

Hope's eyes widened and he searched his mind for something, anything. And then eh thought of it, his ace in the hole, "I found something _else_ while I was up there as well Light. Maybe Snow was only cleaning out his closet, but I found a few…compromising photographs."

"Hope, you have nothing-" Lightning stopped at his almost devilish smirk.

"I had no idea you of all people could have so much fun at a cocktail party." Hope smiled at the silence that followed, marred only by the sounds of frantic searching in the other rooms. Hope jumped when he felt Lightning's hand grab his arm, wincing as she squeezed it hard, but he stood his ground. "Just until Snow's squirmed a bit more, please Light?" He tried, pouting for extra effect. If he could just get the bottom lip to quiver, "Just think of it! All that terror Snow must be feeling…Serah going crazy on him. Yes, revenge is sweet." Hope added, smiling to himself.

Lightning groaned and shook her head, releasing Hope's arm as she sat on the bed. Hope watched her, eyes wide and searching, waiting for the inevitable…

"Whatever. I'm killing all of you after this anyway." Lightning crossed her arms and glared at him, "It's not like they're lying around anyway. And I want that picture, or you die. Now." Hope's face lit up and he nodded, already making his way to his desk drawer. Lightning glanced at Hope's abandoned book, slipping the magazine out from underneath it, "Why were you even looking at this?" She asked snatching the photo from Hope's hand as he brought it to her, already thinking of when and where she would burn it.

Hope gave her a small smile and scratched the back of his head, a light blush on his cheeks, "Well…the articles aren't too bad actually." His face reddened but he managed a grin, a strange glint in his eye, "And they had this really cool position that's supposed to-"

"Enough!" Lightning growled, pushing Hope's face into the bed.

"But you love me!" Hope called, voice muffled in the mattress.

Lightning smirked and shook her head as Hope pushed himself away from the mattress, "By the way Hope…" She said, remembering the photo that Snow had lost.

"Yeah?"

"_What_ picture did Snow lose? About the beach right?"

Hope's eyes widened and he started to squirm away, "Really Light, it doesn't matter. I mean it's gone right?"

"Hope…"

"Besides, you look great in a white bikini!" He tried, already running out the door.

Lightning's eyes flashed and she was up in a second, chasing Hope down the halls as he tried to escape, "You're dead Estheim!"


End file.
